Riding First Class

“I don't always let my books go into retail stores, but when I do, they go into classy ones!”

Haha! With a reader base in the neighborhood of thousands and not millions (so far), I can't really be picky about which stores my books go into. Up to this point, my marketing plan has consisted primarily of a website base and word of mouth. That's not exactly the fast track to fame and fortune. In fact, it may not even qualify as a plan. But that is all right with me, because today we have a breakthrough.

The Adventures of Boathouse Mouse - A New Adventure, A New Name is officially stocked in the Jarrett Bay Boathouse in downtown Beaufort, North Carolina! That is down on the beautiful waterfront, and if you have never been to Beaufort, put it next on your to-do list.

I've never traveled first class, but I'm delighted to say the Jarrett Bay Boathouse is a first-class place! And it gets even better. They are stocking Boathouse Mouse in the Jarrett Bay Store in the North Hills Shopping Center in Raleigh, North Carolina, as well!

So, be sure to stop in and visit the great folks that run those stores, and pick up your copy of A New Adventure, A New Name. There is some chance you may also find some other treasures in those places. And it may be possible to pre-order your copy of The Cat and the River Thames, the soon-to-be-released Book 2 in the Adventures of Boathouse Mouse.

Thank you Jarrett Bay Boathouse!

Special thanks to Tracy Merkley for the photo.

JARRETT BAY BOATHOUSE
507 Front Street, Beaufort, NC 28516
Phone: (252) 728-6363

JARRETT BAY
4209 Lassiter Mill Road, Suite 126, Raleigh, NC 27609
Phone: (919) 803-1990

Coffee Must Be a Sedative on My Home Planet

I have never felt like I fit in. Not in school, not in work, not in any place I've ever lived, and not even at any job I've had. I guess I am a genuine misfit.

In kindergarten, when all the kids were happily running about the playground being kids, I stood off to the side just out of vocal range of the teacher. From my position of relative isolation, I happily observed all the human children playing. It was a great time of data collecting. Humans are a peculiar species.

I knew back then that I did not fit in and I even cried when I had to stay for kindergarten lunch. When all the other kids would be excited for the big event, I hid behind the door until the tears dried. Only then would I enter that big room with all the other kids.

So much for kindergarten nostalgia.

My parents always pretended that we were indigenous to this planet. But in my later years, I've suspected that was a cover story. Maybe they just wanted us to blend in. Or maybe they were refugees from a troubled galaxy. Maybe even it was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. The sad truth is, blending in has not worked out so well.

Despite all that, I do enjoy one hobby that is common among normal people on this planet. I like coffee. There is only one problem with coffee and me. Coffee does not wake me up, it relaxes me. In fact, I can fall asleep drinking coffee. I do so often. The only time it has ever awakened me was when I spilled hot coffee on myself as I dozed off in the car.

No, I was not driving at the time.

So, if you ever find yourself nodding off with a cup of coffee in your hands … there is some chance we came from the same planet.

The Day the Cat Ate My Avocado

I suppose he technically did not actually eat my avocado. It was more like he kidnapped it and mauled it.

That day was today. It all started as an innocent plan to have tacos for dinner. In the morning, I set the avocado out on the counter to make sure I would remember it, since I don't always get those decadent little treats. Why the cat got on the counter is a simple enough mystery. He got up there because he was not supposed to. That's why cats do anything.

The real question is, what in the world compelled him to knock it off the counter, drag it into the next room, then proceed to maul it? My theory is our cat has a grizzly bear complex. I'm almost sure of it. He thinks he is a grizzly bear!

Like a grizzly bear, he prowls around looking for some unsuspecting migratory animal to get separated from its herd. And since we live in North Carolina, and there are no caribou wandering through our kitchen, he spotted the most likely candidate: my avocado! Instinctively, he channeled his inner grizzly bear, and the rest is history.

For the record, my tacos were fine without the avocado, even though it was a substantial let down. But while the cat is strutting around victoriously, I am plotting revenge.

The next time my wife breaks out the cat treats, I'll be ready. When she throws the treats for the cats … 

Love at First Sight

The legends, the myths, the fairy tales … “they're true, all of them.”*

I really just wanted to plagiarize that line into a blog, and Valentine's Day seemed like the perfect day for it. The truth is, I'm one of those people who is not impressed by public displays of affection as proof of love, not even mega weddings. Those things are not indicative of “true love.” Valentine's Day is, however, a fantastic marketing scheme. Just yesterday, I saw a young man in a frenzied rush to purchase an enormous teddy bear and a big bunch of flowers. Poor fellow, he fell for it.

I wish I could, in clear conscience, persuade mass audiences that the proper way to prove true love would be to buy my books for their significant other. I can see it now:

Him: “Darling, will you marry me?”
Her: “Well, that nineteen carat diamond ring is cute, but since you bought me Blood Trail of the Falcon, I know you will love me forever! Yes! Of course I'll marry you! You are such a hopeless romantic!”
Epilogue: And they lived happily ever after.

Fantasy over. That conscience thing can be a real killjoy for brilliant ideas like that.

What does impress me is people who have stuck together through thick and thin. Relationships that endure financial struggles, sickness, and adversity are the real deal. In my world view, the notion of “love-at-first-sight” is a bunch of nonsense. True devotion takes time to develop.

At least that was how I felt until I met “her.”

It all changed in one instant. I could not have been more in love than I was at that first glimpse of “her!” She was beautiful and precious beyond description. I was instantly devoted and willing to lay down my life for her. And that feeling has never lessened. The only complication is that she lives in a different state than me.

And just when I thought it could not get any better, it happened again. Yes, my second granddaughter was born this past week. That doubles the love!

There is no describing the love of a grandparent. The funny thing is, I did not see it coming. I was blindsided. That does not happen all that often. Being a grandfather is amazing. If there were not other ridiculous distractions in life like paying bills and keeping the car from falling apart, it would be easy to become obsessed with just being grandpa and spoiling my grandkids. That said, no doubt it is a good thing that I have other life responsibilities so the grandkids can have some balance in their life also.

I guess I have managed to come full circle. As a grandparent, the legends, the myths, the fairy tales of love at first sight … “they're true, all of them.”*

Happy Valentine's Day.

*Han Solo, from Episode VII, Star Wars. (By the way, this footnote makes it not plagiarism.)

How to Offend Everyone in the Western Hemisphere at the Same Time

I don't care about Super Bowl 50. In fact, the most interesting part of the whole event is that they ditched the Roman numeral “L” for the Arabic numeral “50.” I could go off on a couple of tangential rants about reaching down to the lowest intellectual denominator in marketing, or the renaming of the numeric system to “European numerals,” but I digress.

Back to my objective of offending everyone in one fell swoop.

The game was played in Pasadena, California, that day, and maybe it was just too hot. Or, maybe they all had an off day at an inopportune time. But I sort of fell out of love with the Super Bowl at XI.

Yep, it's been a while. As I recall, it was a cold day in January of 1977 in the far reaches of northern Minnesota where we lived in a tiny cabin. That is a safe memory, because it is always cold up there in January.

By that time, I was a winter veteran. It was the middle of our second winter in that extreme climate, and my newly adopted state had a football team that bore its name. That, of course, would be the Minnesota Vikings. That season, the Vikings played football like, well, like Vikings. They seemed unstoppable. I, along with the rest of my family, sat and watched Super Bowl XI with great anticipation. And, like many people with misplaced expectation, I was devastated by the loss.

What had bothered me the most was the pathetic performance that my mighty Vikings had put out. That was the first time in my life I suspected sporting events may be rigged. Those Vikings, who had played like Vikings all season, played the Super Bowl like cheerleaders.

Before you think I'm picking on the cheerleaders, let me set this straight. When the ball flies into the vicinity of the cheerleaders, it is their responsibility to get out of the way! A two hundred twenty pound linebacker could come blasting through, and cheerleaders do not wear safety gear.

Sadly, I got the impression that my mighty Vikings had become allergic to the ball.

In retrospect, I had obviously never considered that the Oakland Raiders might have had a superior game. I was pretty one-dimensional in my loyalty back then. In my own defense, I was in my teens. But it matters not now. The immunization was complete. I was doused in the ice water of disillusionment and just basically lost interest. I do not recall watching a complete football game since then.

All that said, there is an amusing side to the event hype this year. Facebook, which is always loaded with pictures of cats and horses, is currently all about cats vs. horses. It's like a competitive NFL zodiac chart.

Who knows, maybe next year they will allow international teams to compete. Then we could potentially end up with Super Bowl LI: Pandas vs. Koalas. If that should happen, I might actually come out of sports hibernation to watch that one.