That Time I Knifed a Cop

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The life of a children’s book author is not always what it’s cracked up to be. Yeah, I guess the fame and fortune are pretty good perks. I don’t know firsthand, since I haven’t achieved those milestones yet. But you really have to watch your step, so to speak. It seems that any hooligan can write novels with seedy plots containing lots of gratuitous naughtiness. But to be a writer of stories for children, one must have a clean record and keep the shenanigans to a minimum. Oversharing personal drama on social media is strictly Off Menu, and the follies of youth must be left in the shadows of the past. And there are some things which must never be mentioned, ever … ever again.

Like that time I knifed the cop.

There were a number of extenuating circumstances surrounding the incident, which I’ll outline here. It all started out innocently enough, but before 8am there was bloodshed. In fairness to myself, he is not actually a law enforcement officer … yet, but he is studying to that end. So we’ll refer to him as Cadet W.

Most of you know that I supervise a large crew of boat builders at Jarrett Bay Boatworks for my day job. Obviously my after-hours superhero work is writing books.

Back to the story.

For the record, it was an accident. As it happens, Cadet W works under my supervision. He actually seems like a pretty decent young fellow. I don’t recall ever wanting to stab anyone, but if I had ever considered it, he certainly wasn’t on the list. There is just something to being in the wrong place at the right time.

It all began when I was showing him how to set up the multi-tool for an odd project. The sanding triangles were still in shrink-wrap, so I pulled out my trusty razor box cutter and slit the package. I had just replaced the blade, so it was ready for anything. And … that was it. Until I bumped the multi-tool off the work bench.

I’ve never considered myself to have fast reflexes, but I instinctively caught that tool before it had cleared the bench top. I caught it with the hand in which I was holding the razor knife. Unfortunately, my reaction wasn’t the only reflexive move. Cadet W reached for the tool just as fast as I did. Only, he caught the end of the blade in his fingertip.

Interestingly, his reflexes were lightning fast both ways, and that was my first clue.

“Did you get poked by the blade?” I blurted as I realized what must have taken place.

“It’s fine,” he responded. Which is a male term that interprets to, Yes! And I’m just as surprised as you are!

“Is it okay?” I asked concerned. Then, seeing the blood welling, I knew that was a dumb question.

As it turned out, the wound was almost imperceptible once the bleeding stopped. Razor cuts tend to bleed a lot at first. The end result is Cadet W has no lasting damage. Except maybe from the hazing he received from the rest of the crew. Boat building is not for the faint of heart. I suppose law enforcement isn’t either. So, maybe, by pure accident, I enhanced his training and helped hone his skills.

It’s sure a good thing I wasn’t opening that package with a sword!

The Ubiquitous Ottendorf Cipher

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Re-posting from 2015 because it’s timely. - RV

I realize this may not be part of your everyday experience. But at my house, the Christmas festivities frequently involve a treasure hunt. Usually this begins with a clue wrapped in a box to decoy the receiver. One clue leads to another, and sooner or later comes the Ottendorf cipher, which is sometimes called a book cipher.

So far, the kids have always figured out the clues and found their gifts. I'm not sure what would happen if they got totally stumped. I guess I'm not too worried about that; they're smart kids.

I digress. Let's get back to the cipher.

A book cipher, or Ottendorf cipher, as I prefer to call it, is accomplished by using a book or some other publication as the key to resolve clues that are set out in a series of numbers. A three-digit clue would generally represent a letter. Using this blog as the key, “1-2-6” would be the letter “z.” It is the first paragraph, second word, sixth letter. If it was using a book, it would represent a word, because the page would be the first part, then the paragraph, then the word. A four-digit clue would be the way to get letter clues from a book.

This type of cipher can be as elaborate or simple as the writer's patience allows. It can also spell out a riddle, which is my preferred style. The one big drawback is it absolutely has to be the exact text. A good source is really important. I have been known to use the display Bible at church, placards on monuments, and signs in parks as the keys for Ottendorf ciphers. I've never given the key for free. My victims have to figure that out from some other kind of riddle or clue.

I don't have any big reason for sharing this other than it is, I'm told, a peculiar tradition. In other words, people think I'm weird. That's okay. I started making the kids treasure hunts for their gifts when we had a very tiny gift budget. It drew out the festivities and added a tremendous degree of fun.

Of course, this whole thing may be a secret message.

Skalds 2019 - So It Begins

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Viking swords clashed against battle-scarred shields!
Arrows sliced through the air in search of their targets!
Axes were hurled with bone-jarring accuracy!
And a Fire Master spun his blazing poi with impunity!
Everywhere one turned, something out of the ordinary was taking place.

No, this was not the first day of seventh grade. It was the Festival of the Skalds!
What is that?
I’m glad you asked. Skalds were purported to be the scribes, historians, and storytellers of the preliterate era of the Scandinavian world. The event was styled similar to a Renaissance Fair, but probably a bit more primitive. And … it was a blast.

Despite all the aforementioned shenanigans, no one got injured.
It is entirely possible that everyone was extra cautious and followed all safety protocols for the festival. Or, it could be that while channeling the essence of the great Viking era, everyone leveled up a few notches and just sucked up the pain from their injuries. Then again, perhaps the notable lack of injury, or lack of reporting, is actually a credit to the Medic Tent that was prepared to attach leeches to any injury. (There were no takers, by the way.)
As always, Safety First!

If you were there, you undoubtedly have a lot of great memories. I hope to see you all there again next year. I am already designing the next Treasure Hunt., so sharpen your wits, because it will be leveled up several notches!

If you missed the festival, then you certainly do not know the basics of Dragon Hunting Safety, you might not know there is going to be a book titled The Last Dragon Hunter, and you definitely don’t know the true ingredients in Friar Bob’s sandwiches. Tisk, tisk. I feel sorry for you. But, fear not, for you are invited to join the festivities next year. However, you had best make your lodging arrangements now, because I have a sneaking suspicion it is going to be decidedly larger and more captivating!

Stay tuned!

The winners of the treasure hunt!

The winners of the treasure hunt!

Dragon Hunter Safety Training!

Dragon Hunter Safety Training!